It Took Us Forever To Get Here
by SpenceXAsh
Summary: Spencer is dating Aiden, Ashley loves Spencer, Spencer is confused
1. Spencer's Date

Disclaimer: characters belong to Tom Lynch and Noggin.

**"It Took Us Forever To Get Here"**

Things had been building up inside Ashley, but only recently they had started feeling like they were going to explode inside her. Things she'd been avoiding as long as possible had started resurfacing inside her, whether or not she wanted them too. When Spencer had moved to LA, it seemed like the defining moment in Ashley's life. Here was a young, gorgeous girl, unsure about her sexuality…just begging for Ashley to help her explain it. That was how the situation seemed at first. Now Ashley was beginning to wonder how long she was still going to believe that she and Spencer were just destined to be just friends. Spencer was the first girl Ashley had real feelings for. This wasn't puppy love. This was the real kind—the kind that leaves you breathless, unable to eat or sleep. The kind that meant that forever after, Spencer would either be classified under "the one that got away" or "the best thing that had ever happened." But things had gotten complicated a lot sooner than Ashley could have imagined.

Ashley lay next to Spencer on the bed watching TV. She wasn't really watching; she was stealing glances at Spencer. Her eyes trailed down from Spencer's eyes to her full and tempting lips. They followed the curve of her lips down her chin to Spencer's neck…soft and inviting. Ashley wondered what Spencer would do if she just leaned over and kissed her neck, nuzzling Spencer's most tender place. The TV show ended and Spencer rolled over on her side and faced Ashley.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked.

"Nothing…" Ashley replied coyly. "And everything."

"Tell me. I want to know every little thought that runs through that brain of yours." Spencer said earnestly, looking deep into Ashley's eyes.

"Well…I was actually thinking that…I wanted to tell you…" Ashley started. She'd never told anyone she loved them before, anyone who wasn't related, and she wanted all the words to come out right. But there was a knock on her door before she could get any more words out. Aiden came into Ashley's room and ruined all her plans.

"Hey ladies." He said, sitting down in between them. "I just came to pick her up." He gestured to Spencer. "I'm having dinner with Spencer's family. I'm kinda nervous." The truth came crashing down around Ashley. Her self-constructed dream world crumbled again. Aiden had come and flaunted the truth in front of her.

"Oh that's right. Don't let me keep you guys any longer." Ashley said, sitting up. Spencer laced her fingers with Aiden's.

"I'm glad we can all still be friends…you know…with Aiden and I together." She leaned over and kissed Aiden's cheek. Ashley couldn't help but have her blood boil at the sight of the two of them together. Spencer and Aiden had been dating for four months now. They sat together at lunch, fed each other carrot sticks and utterly made Ashley want to vomit. Ashley felt like vomiting mostly because of their uncensored displays of affection, but also because she thought it was all for show. There was no way Spencer is really happy in that relationship, Ashley always tried to reason, you don't just admit you like girls and then date the biggest jock ever without lying to yourself. Spencer and Aiden said their goodbyes and left Ashley with promises of hanging out later. She watched them leave and then flopped down on her bed when the door finally shut. Ashley turned over, buried her head inside a pillow and screamed.

Spencer remained silent on the drive to her house. Aiden was rattling off news about the basketball team and Spencer was nodding along with him. Actually, she was thinking about Ashley. She had just been almost ready to admit something and Spencer wondered what it possibly could have been. She pulled out her cell phone, still murmuring responses to Aiden's ramblings, and text messaged Ashley. She asked what Ashley was just about to say, she felt bad that the conversation got cut off.

Back at her house, Ashley rolled over onto her back on her bed and concentrated on typing a message back. "Just that I hope you two have fun" was what Ashley responded. Spencer's phone made a beeping noise and Spencer checked for a return message from Ashley. She sighed when she read what Ashley had typed. She didn't want Ashley to wish that. She knew Ashley liked her; she'd known if for quite some time. What Ashley didn't know is how much Spencer liked her back. But their relationship could never work out, she thought to herself. She turned to smile completely at Aiden who was talking about basketball practice that afternoon.


	2. Revealing Too Much

"How was dinner?" Ashley asked over the phone later that night.

"It was good. Aiden and Glen shot each other stares throughout dinner, but other than that it was normal." Spencer responded, lying on her bed on her back and staring up at the ceiling. She could imagine Ashley doing the same.

"Did your mom like Aiden?" Ashley wondered.

"I think so, she kept babying him…checking to see if the dinner was ok and if he wanted more spaghetti. Stuff like that. I think she's just glad that I have a boyfriend." Spencer told Ashley. Ashley sighed a bit too loudly into the phone. "What's wrong, Ash?"

"Nothing." She went quiet for a minute. "Do you ever think about the night we almost kissed?" Spencer wasn't expecting this question.

"What? Why?" Spencer responded.

"I don't know. I was just wondering." Ashley waited for an answer.

"Uh…sometimes I do." Spencer said. "That was the night Aiden and I got together." Ashley knew this was typical Spencer, trying to get out of answering.

"I meant the part of the night where we almost kissed."

"Uh…" Spencer had no response. "Yes."

"You do?" Ashley sat up in her bed. "Do you ever wonder what you missed out on? What could have been between us?"

"No."

"What? Why not?" Ashley demanded.

"Because I don't like girls. It was a temporary moment where I was caught up in something, it wasn't anything more than that." Spencer told her. It felt like she had stabbed herself in the chest; it seemed to hurt where her heart was.

"Oh. I'm going to do some homework. See you tomorrow, Spence." Ashley murmured. She hung up the phone before Spencer could say anything else.

Ashley had never been so happy to finish her lunch early. She'd had to sit and endure the incessant baby talk of Spencer and Aiden as they fed each other and asked about each other's nights. Ashley got up from the lunch table and told them she had to go to her locker. She was glad to get away. Ashley walked into the library. It was an unlikely place for her to go, but she knew Spencer would never look for her there. She walked down the aisles of the library looking for an out-of-the-way place to sit and clear her head. She found a spot back in the third floor fiction section. It had a large, comfortable couch next to a window overlooking the soccer field. Ashley settled herself down, looking out the window into the freedom of the outside world. She heard footsteps behind her and was a little surprised to see Clay there.

"Hey Ashley." He said waving. "I was looking for a book for my English class back here. What are you doing here?" He asked. Ashley made room for him on the couch by moving her feet.

"I'm here thinking…" She told him. "And I'm avoiding people."

"Who are you avoiding?" Clay asked. They'd been able to talk with each other easily after that night Ashley spent at the Carlin house. Glen and she had spent a while talking about their different situations growing up. Since then, Clay had occasionally become her confidante.

"Spencer."

"Ah…Spencer." Clay smiled at her. "Why are you avoiding Spencer?"

"It's complicated." She told him.

"How complicated?"

"I think I'm in love with her and she's…she's with Aiden." She told him. She didn't feel like lying anymore and telling all this to Spencer's brother, who had known her a lot longer than she had, could get her some perspective. Clay nodded.

"Have you told Spencer this?" He asked her.

"No…well…I'm sure she knows." Ashley told him. "I've been falling all over myself because of her for months now. The night she got with Aiden…we almost kissed that night. She got freaked out and left…Aiden was there to scoop her up. They've been together since then. Four months of hearing them call each other pet names…four months of having them hold hands and kiss in front of me. It hasn't been pretty." Clay nodded.

"Do you think Spencer likes you back?" He asked her.

"I thought she did, but then she got with Aiden." Ashley was unsure whether or not to mention the part about how Spencer might like girls. She finally crumbled. "She told me she thought she liked girls. We had all these moments together that made me believe for sure that she had some feelings for me. Then we get close and the runs to Aiden."

"You think Spencer might be bi?" Clay asked.

"I'm almost sure she is. That or…a lesbian." Ashley told him honestly. "But the point is she's making me neurotic. I can't help but to sit here and over-analyze everything. I wonder what I did wrong, what I said, if I should have done something differently. I have no idea what to do. It's eating me up inside." Ashley confided. "She'll say things, or look at me…it's like she's sending me signals. But when I get up the courage to do anything about them…she's there with Aiden, playing dumb." Clay nodded, thinking for a minute or so before speaking.

"Have you talked to Spence about all this, all these feelings you have for her?" He asked, he didn't seem phased at all that Ashley loved his sister or that his sister might like girls. Ashley was grateful that he was accepting of her situation.

"No…not exactly. I tried to talk to her the other night, but then Aiden picked her up to have dinner with your family. I never quite got to tell her what I felt." Ashley explained. Clay smiled at this.

"That dinner was a massacre." He chuckled. "Glen and Aiden refused to talk to each other and when they finally did, they talked about basketball all night. Poor Spencer had to sit there through it. Mom was falling all over herself because of Aiden." He looked into Ashley's eyes. "That's honestly something that really bothers me about my mother. She can see past color, religion, upbringing…but when it comes to sexuality—she…" He trailed off, choosing his words carefully. "She can be very judgmental to things she doesn't understand. But at the same time, she doesn't want to understand. I think it would be devastating to her if she found out Spencer likes girls." Ashley agreed.

"I think that's why Ashley's with Aiden. If she has a boyfriend, a 'normal' life…she won't have to make any choices or accept her sexuality." Ashley figured. She had a sickening feeling in her stomach that made speaking and thinking about Spencer painful.

"Do you want me to talk to her for you?" Clay asked. "I could see if she'll talk to me about this stuff." Clay is such a good guy, Ashley thought, but I can't have him dealing with my problems.

"No, that's ok. Thanks, Clay, for everything." Ashley stood up. "I think I'll have to talk with Spencer about this stuff myself." She said goodbye to Clay and then headed off to class. She had her English class with Spencer. Entering the room, she took her normal spot, across the room from Spencer. Early in the semester, her teacher had moved her away from Spencer for talking too much in class, but Ashley was actually grateful for this. It meant she had an entire class period to do nothing but stare at Spencer and daydream. Ashley looks up at the clock and waits for the bell to ring; the bell ringing means that Spencer will come into the room. The English teacher, Mr. Philips came into the room a minute or two later and shut the door.

"Ok, class." He said to get everyone's attention. "Let's get out your assignments that are due today…" He kept talking but Ashley stop listening. Where was Spencer? She wondered. It wasn't like Spencer to be late. Ashley started to get worried. Maybe she's on her way here. Fifteen minutes went by without any sign of Spencer. Ashley was frantic. She raised her hand.

"Ms. Davies?" Mr. Philips called on her.

"Can I use the restroom?" She asked him. After getting a bathroom pass from Mr. Philips, Ashley went to find Spencer. She imagined a variety of terrible situations: Spencer had been mugged, attacked by pirates…one scenario even involved zombies. Ashley wanted to image something really terrible was causing Spencer to be absent, not what she really feared.

I can't believe I'm missing English for this, Spencer thought to herself. She was pushed up against a wall outside the gym. Aiden was kissing her neck, or slobbering on her neck actually. He had convinced her to skip, promising a good time and giving her sad looks. Now the only thing Spencer would have to show for it would be a hickey and missing out on a class period of staring at Ashley. Ashley could feel Aiden pressing his hips against hers and the thought of taking this any further made her nervous. It was one thing to pretend to like his kisses and touch, but it was another to sleep with him to keep this lie alive. Spencer turned her head and looked over into the walkway as Aiden began kissing the other side of her neck. Spencer was shocked to see Ashley walk by. She looked nervous and scared. Actually, Spencer thought, she looks vulnerable. It wasn't something Spencer was used to seeing. Ashley turned her head and all her worst fears were confirmed. Aiden was feeling Spencer up at the side of the gym and Spencer was… looking straight at Ashley. She paused for a moment, feeling her heart sink inside her chest. Maybe Spencer was a lost cause after all. Maybe Ashley should just give up her fantasies about being together with her…give up her hopes of ever getting closer to Spencer Carlin than she was now. Ashley turned around and walked back to her classroom, not daring to look behind her. Her plans of having a talk with Spencer about her feelings, about her relationship with Aiden…they were just plans, perhaps destined to never come true.


	3. Choices

Ashley was in the midst of her usual routine of listening to loud, angry indie music and sighing to herself about Spencer when there was a knock on her door.

"Come in." She said, she would have gotten up but she felt more depressed than usual and didn't have the energy to get up. Someone opened the door and after softly padding across the room, flopped down on the bed next to her. Ashley turned her head to see Spencer. It was strange having her that close; Ashley could see every freckle on Spencer's nose. Finally Ashley could look into Spencer's eyes without worrying about her noticing. Ashley examined every nuance, every part of Spencer's face, every fault—finding them all to just add to Ashley's ever-growing love for her friend. She could feel her heart begin to beat quicker and quicker. Her stomach felt like it was in her throat. Being this close to Spencer makes her want things…things that she couldn't allow herself to want. Ashley wanted to turn her head, but something kept it where it was, inches away from Spencer's, unmoving. Something inside her caused her to breathe a little faster and suddenly she leaned forward. But Spencer was too fast for her. She sat up as Ashley leaned over and got up quickly as Ashley pulled away. Spencer began pacing the room. She shouldn't have gotten that turned on from just lying next to Ashley, but she could feel how flushed she was. She had a million emotions running through her head. She had wanted Ashley to kiss her. To be perfectly honest, right then, she wanted nothing more than to jump on her friend, kiss her for hours and make passionate love. Unfortunately that was something Spencer couldn't give into to, no matter how much she wanted to. She had her back to Ashley when she started talking.

"Ash…I just wanted to come over to see if everything was ok. You didn't seem to happy at lunch and…I can understand if the hallway thing would cause you to be awkward." Spencer started. "We haven't really talked in a while and I just wanted to make sure that things are good." She sat down chastely on the bed next to Ashley.

"So are we going to pretend that the little moment we just shared just happened?" Ashley asked. Spencer didn't answer. "This is so childish, Spencer." She got up and began pacing uneasily herself.

"I just…I just don't want Aiden to find out…we've very committed to each other." Spencer murmured; she avoided looking into Ashley's eyes. "How have you been?" Ashley was sick of editing everything for Spencer's benefit. If Spencer was here to see if Ashley was ok, Ashley was going to tell her. Tell her everything.

"To tell you the truth, Spencer, things haven't been too good." Ashley started. "But I'm guessing things haven't been too good for you either."

"Why do you say that?" Spencer said in a very small voice. Ashley knew she was getting somewhere.

"I'm sure it must be hard…pretending for four months." Ashley almost regretted starting up this conversation, almost. If she was going to get the truth out of Spencer, she had to not be afraid to hurt Spencer's feelings, even if that meant accusing Aiden and her relationship of being a scam.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Spencer responded indignantly.

"Oh I don't know, maybe just the fact that you've been lying to yourself and everyone else for months now…" Ashley trailed off.

"If you're accusing me of something, Ash, you better just come out and say it." Spencer warned her. Ashley knew more than Spencer gave her credit for.

"Spencer, I know that you aren't into Aiden. I have been in the same situation, worried about coming out, worried about parents…and thinking that hiding is better than letting everyone know the truth." That shut Spencer up. "I have been in that situation. I understand it. I know that this must be easier for you than anything else right now."

"Ashley, I don't know what you're talking about. I care about Aiden, we're very happy." Spencer backtracked, trying to get out of this trap somehow.

"I know you're faking your emotions for Aiden. I know that you are doing it to avoid coming out to your parents, particularly your mother." Spencer's eyes fell from Ashley's. "I also know that seeing the two of you together…has been killing me for months." Ashley took a step closer to Spencer. "There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I didn't wonder how things could have been different."

"Ashley…I…" Spencer stuttered.

"I should have told Aiden to go to hell. I should have kicked him out and swept you off of your feet. I should have told your mother to go to shove it." Ashley said, trying to lighten the mood with her last comment. "Spencer, it's ok. I understand it all." Ashley pulled Spencer close to her in a tight embrace. Spencer could smell Ashley's perfume and the way her hair smelled. It nearly drove her crazy, but she couldn't give into it. She wouldn't. She didn't have to listen to Ashley. She could keep pretending, she reasoned. But all of a sudden, she wasn't sure if she wanted to. Ashley could feel Spencer start to cry before Spencer pushed Ashley away.

"No…no…I can be happy the way things are." Spencer muttered. "I'll learn to love Aiden…in time…" Ashley looked at Spencer incredulously.

"You don't have to be afraid of being who you are, of being gay."

"Look, I've gotten myself into this, but I can't just tell everyone that what Aiden and I have is really me trying to hide. What do you want me to do?" Spencer demanded, frustrated. She had been caught in her lie, in her attempt to cover up who she really was. Ashley looked like she was close to throwing in the towel, like she was about to give up and accept that Spencer and she could never be together.

"I want you to be honest with everyone. If you were honest, we could be together." Ashley reasoned. Spencer turned her back to Ashley, trying not to think about how hurt Ashley was.

"What would you have me do, Ash? Break up with Aiden? Tell the whole school and my parents that I'm gay…" Her voice lowered to a whisper. "Be with you?"

"Yes!" Ashley said, turning Spencer around to look at her. "Yes. Come clean, dump Aiden, and be with me. That's exactly what I want. I'm sorry for being so selfish, but I can't go on like this, Spencer. I can't keep dreaming that one day you'll wake up and realize that you've missed out on this…that you'll want to be with me." Ashley wanted Spencer to understand every thought running through her head at that moment. Peering into Spencer's eyes, she wished that Spencer could read her mind so she wouldn't have to say what she had to say next. "This is it for me, Spencer. I can't keep killing myself over you. I can't keep waiting for you, I can't keep hoping. I've been doing that routine for four months while you and Aiden have been dating. I can't keep worrying about you! I can't." Ashley wanted to cry; she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. Spencer didn't want to look Ashley in the eyes either, but Ashley's firm grip on her shoulders prevented Spencer's escape. Ashley lifted up Spencer's head with her fingertips so she could look into Spencer's eyes.

"This is it, kid." She whispered. "This is now or never. If you ever have any thought that this…" She motioned to the two of them, "could work, tell me now. If you have ever thought of kissing me, touching me, being with me…tell me. I have to know if all of my worrying was in vain. I have to know if there's a shot in hell for us. If not…I'm sorry. I can't just be your friend, I don't want to be just friends. I can't sit here and watch you destroy yourself and everyone else." Ashley finally got it all out. Spencer didn't know what to say. Sure she'd thought about Ashley, all the time in fact, but being with Ashley meant that she was gay, she was out. She remembered Ashley's comments about how her family…friends…people she didn't know would hate her if they knew she was gay. They would all hate her because of who she loved. Spencer found it almost ironic that love could cause so much hate. But she didn't want this. Not now. Maybe later in life…in college…in twenty years…she could cope with this. When I'm out on my own, she reasoned, when I am away from my parents, when I am out of high school…then I can be myself. But that was such a long time to wait in order to do what she wanted. She'd been following orders since she was little, and love wasn't something she thought she'd have to follow orders with. She didn't want to be told whom she could and couldn't date. She didn't want that, but…then again… still dating Aiden would buy her some time. But wasn't that what she'd been doing for four months now?

"I…I…" Spencer didn't have the words to say to fix this. Yes, she wanted to be with Ashley. Yes she wanted to lie in bed with her, fingers intertwined, kissing and being in love and being together. She wanted to sit in movie theaters and hold Ashley's hand, she wanted to touch fingers while reaching for the popcorn. She wanted kisses underneath the mistletoe, sleepovers, and a couple's song. She wanted to go to dinners and dancing and be in the arms of the most gorgeous girl there. She wanted to drive forever and kiss at all the stoplights. She wanted to lay on the grass on a blanket with Ashley, peering up at the stars and staying out until dawn only to collapse into Ashley's arms in bed. She wanted that. She wanted that and so much more. She wanted love…she wanted Ashley. But did she want that enough to give up her life, as she knew it?

"What, Spencer?" Ashley demanded. "Do we have a shot?"

"I'm sorry…" Spencer mumbled, starting to cry. Her chest was heaving and it seemed like the room was getting very small. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" was all she could repeat. Ashley watched Spencer sit down on the bed, cupping her head in her hands. Ashley knew what that answer meant.

"So this…" Ashley pulled Spencer to her, holding her head in her hands, their lips inches apart. Ashley leaned in, rubbing the tip of her nose against Spencer, daring her to lean forward—to kiss her. "This doesn't feel right? Being this close doesn't make you want to kiss me?" She asked. Spencer's eyes were closed and she was trying not to concentrate on the fact that every part of her body was begging her to lean forward, to kiss the girl she'd been dying to since that night in Ashley's room when Aiden interrupted them. Spencer turned her face away from Ashley's. It was Spencer's answer…Ashley had the closure she thought she needed to get on with her life.

"Goodbye, Spencer." Ashley said, walking over to Spencer's door and with one last look at Spencer, walked out.


	4. A Hallway Declaration

Ashley avoided Spencer as much as she could at school. All the paths she walked to her classes, strategically planned to walk by Spencer, she altered. With nothing else to focus all her frustration on, Ashley had begun to get deeper and deeper into her music. She spent the lunch period holed up in the library, writing pages of disgruntled love songs all meant for Spencer. It seemed like the days were getting longer and longer. Ashley spent more time in bed than anywhere else. She'd lay and stare at her ceiling, loud angst-ridden indie music playing over her stereo, drowning out her thoughts. Even her mother, who rarely took any interest in Ashley, noticed something was wrong.

"Honey, you haven't gotten out of bed all day." Her mother commented one Saturday. Ashley lay with her back to her mother, trying to pretend that she was ok.

"I'm just tired. Can I be left alone?" Ashley asked. Her mother sighed.

"You've been alone in here all week. What happened to Spencer?" She asked. Ashley was surprised her mother remembered her friend's name…usually she was too busy with her own life to take an interest in Ashley's friends.

"We're…we're in a fight. Or something like that." Ashley murmured. She really didn't want to get into things with her mom. She and her mother were on a "don't ask, don't tell" basis: if Ashley didn't ask about what number boyfriend her mother was on, her mother didn't question any of Ashley's relationships. Ashley's mom sat down on the bed next to Ashley.

"Honey, I know it's hard taking advice from me, obviously I don't know how to keep anything in tact…" she hesitated for a moment. "But don't be too hard on yourself, or Spencer. You have too good a friendship to let it go over a trivial argument." Ashley wanted to laugh and tell her mother that this "trivial argument" was that Spencer would never be with Ashley and that Ashley was depressed as hell about it. She wanted to tell her mother how dare she tell her to not let things go to waste…her mother had wasted her marriage, her boyfriends, and especially her relationship with Ashley. But instead she remained silent before mumbling "thanks mom."

"What's wrong with Ash?" Aiden asked, sitting down next to Spencer at the lunch table the following week. He kissed her cheek before opening up his brown bag lunch. Spencer was hunched over her history book. Like Ashley, she'd been focusing hard on other things to keep her mind off of what had happened. Where Ashley had become engrossed in her music, Spencer had become increasingly intent on her studies. She looked up when Aiden mentioned Ashley.

"What are you talking about?" Spencer asked him. He offered her a bite of his sandwich and she declined. He finished chewing before answering.

"I haven't seen her all week. She's been in the library every lunch period for the last two weeks instead of sitting here and gossiping about everyone and everything with you." Aiden commented. Spencer had noticed that Ashley had become scarce in the hallway and that she hadn't been at lunch, but she didn't know that Ashley had been hiding out in a library. "Are you guys ok?" Aiden asked.

"Uh…" Spencer didn't have an answer. "We kinda got into a fight."

"Over what?" Aiden wanted to know.

"You know…girl stuff." Spencer answered him, hoping that her vague answer would suffice. "I'm going to go talk to her now actually. See you after school." She bent over to kiss him on the cheek when Aiden turned and caught her in a kiss. She went along with it until he pulled back; she put on a happy smile. Turning away from him and walking to the library, Spencer wiped tuna fish off of her lip before entering the building.

Spencer found Ashley in the back of the third floor fiction section. She was curled up on a couch, looking out an open window with her song notebook opened on her lap. She was tapping out a melody on her cheek with her pen while daydreaming. For a split second Spencer wondered if Ashley was thinking about her, but she pushed that thought from her head. She approached Ashley and cleared her throat. Ashley turned and looked up at Spencer, obviously surprised by her suddenly being there.

"I was just leaving." Ashley murmured, gathering up her books and quickly slamming her notebook shut. She grabbed her backpack and stood up, but Spencer stopped her from leaving.

"Hold on, Ashley." She told her. "What are you doing in here?"

"Why do you care?" Ashley retorted, attempting to maneuver her way around Spencer. Spencer dodged in front of Ashley to keep her from getting away.

"What have you been up to?" Spencer asked. Immediately she regretted trying to pretend nothing had happened between them.

"What have I been up to?" Ashley exclaimed. "I've been letting you have your perfect lie, the quirky gay girl who wrongly influences you out of the picture."

"I don't want you out of the picture." Spencer tried to convince her.

"Oh really? Your mother would love that." Ashley scoffed. Spencer was offended by that comment.

"Can we leave her out of this?" Spencer asked.

"Leave her out? She's part of the problem here! If she wasn't such a homophobe, making being who you are a 'sin' then…" Ashley trailed off. "Things might be different." Ashley finally pushed past Spencer and headed out of the library. Spencer walked quickly after her out into the hallway. Lunch was over and all the kids were moving about in the hallway.

"Ashley, talk to me. Just because…we can't be…whatever…doesn't mean that we can't be friends!" Spencer tried to call over the crowd of people, catching up with Ashley. Ashley spun around looking furious.

"YES IT DOES, SPENCER." Ashley shouted. People in the hallway all turned to look at her. "I CAN'T JUST BE FRIENDS WITH YOU." Spencer was embarrassed by everyone watching, but she couldn't let Ashley get away right then.

"Why? Why not?" Spencer demanded.

"BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, SPENCER." Ashley was breathing hard, but her words were out. Everyone knew now. "So, now you know." Ashley whispered. She turned, only half believing that she actually just proclaimed her love for Spencer in front of the entire school. She went to her locker and threw her books into in. She placed her head up against the locker next to hers. Her forehead rested against the cool metal of the locker; she took several deep breaths. She replayed that moment over and over in her head, trying to figure out if it was as bad as she thought it was. Coming to the conclusion that things couldn't have gone any worse, Ashley turned and slammed her locker shut and headed for her car. Screw school, she thought.


	5. Going Places

The rest of Spencer's day was spent deep in thought. She had seen Ashley storm off…and she couldn't get Ashley's words out of her head. She loves me, Spencer thought, ashamed that she found so much happiness in knowing this. Aiden had told her he loved her several times, and Spencer had managed to kiss her way out of answering him. She'd been dating for Aiden for four months now…she loved him. Right? She didn't bother like convincing herself otherwise right then. The bell rang signifying the end of the day. Spencer met Aiden outside at their usual spot, next to the bleachers by the soccer field. Usually Spencer had to endure ten minutes of Aiden's tongue before she could get him to take her home, but today he looked slightly worried when she approached him.

"What's this I head about Ashley professing her love for you in front of the whole school today?" He asked her. He knew Ashley could be a little irrational at times, but this was far out of her realm.

"She…she said she was in love with me." Spencer said honestly. She wasn't originally going to tell Aiden what had transpired, but since he already knew there was no point in lying. "I don't know where that came from." Aiden shrugged.

"Could you blame her?" He leaned in kissing Spencer. She kissed him back quickly before pulling away.

"What are we doing tonight?" She asked him, getting out of another sloppy make out session. Somewhere in the back of her head, she wondered whether or not Ashley used too much tongue like Aiden did when kissing. Spencer already knew the answer without too much thought…she bet Ashley could kiss perfectly. But she didn't want to think about that-- that would never happen. Aiden was trying to get her attention.

"Spencer?" He said, catching her eye. She turned to him apologetically.

"Sorry, I lost my train of thought. What are we doing tonight?" She asked.

"I was thinking a little dinner for two and then maybe…the back of my car…" Aiden murmured, trying to read Spencer's reaction to his idea. Spencer was lost in thoughts of whose car she wanted to get into the back of. Ashley had a nice sized backseat, she remembered.

"Uh sure…" Spencer mumbled when she realized that Aiden was waiting for a response. "Sounds good, pick me up at eight." She kissed his cheek and took his hand. "Give me a ride home?"

Spencer lay down on her bed a while before she got ready to go on her date. She was half daydreaming, half sleeping and thinking about that night in Ashley's room. How Ashley had gotten so close to kissing her. How Aiden had walked in and how she'd gotten freaked out by almost kissing her best friend. I'm not gay, I don't need to be kissing Ashley, its only going to make me more—confused, Spencer had reasoned. At the time, she had been filled with butterflies and lightness in her stomach as Ashley leaned over. It was true that she'd been thinking of Ashley every time she kissed Aiden. It was hard to endure his tongue down the back of her throat without picturing Ashley. But Spencer put that out of her head. She was with Aiden, whether she wanted to be or not. But Ashley had smelled so perfect that night…and when she had leaned in, Spencer could smell her. She smelled like…clean laundry and the kind of perfume that stays on tee shirts for days after wearing it. She smelled like a combination of Spencer's favorite smells from childhood, from Ohio. Maybe it was Ashley's scent that had attracted her to the kiss…but Spencer didn't exactly believe that. She'd watched Ashley lick her perfect lips before leaning in and Spencer could remember wanting to taste them. Then Aiden walked in and Spencer snapped to her senses. That didn't stop her from wondering what it might have been like, how her life would have changed if she had kissed Ashley then. After Aiden left Ashley's that night, he'd come over to her house. That was the night he asked her out. They'd been together ever since. Since that night, Spencer tried hard to avoid coming too close to Ashley because she knew if she got too close, she would end up all over her. That moment, the night of Ashley and her falling out, had almost been her breaking point, being held and tempted.

"Spencer, are you getting ready?" Paula, Spencer's mother, called up the stairs. "Aiden is coming in a half an hour." Spencer scoffed. Her mother had been so happy when Spencer had said that she and Aiden were together. Her mother no longer badgered Spencer, or told her not to go near Ashley. Paula was convinced that dating Aiden was the smartest move Spencer had ever made in LA.

"Yeah, Mom." Spencer called out. "I'm getting ready." She got up and went to her closet. She knew that it didn't matter what she'd wear, Aiden would try to get her out of it anyways. She put on a nice shirt with a skirt and heels. She was ready when Aiden came to pick her up and waved goodbye to her mother. Getting into Aiden's car, she smiled at her boyfriend.

"Where are we going for dinner?" She asked him. Aiden backed the car out of the driveway and began driving down the street.

"I thought we'd skip dinner." He proposed.

"What? Why?" Spencer asked. She realized Aiden was driving in the direction of Griffith Park, the notorious make out spot Kelly had taken her to.

"I thought we could get a little closer." Aiden put his hand on Spencer's leg.

"I told you I wasn't ready for that." Spencer told him, pushing his hand away.

"Listen to me, Spencer. I love you. Ok?" Aiden told her, looking over while driving. "I want to be with you. It's been four months. How long do you expect me to wait?" He asked.

"I'm not ready for this." Spencer told him again.

"Does this have anything to do with Ashley?" Aiden asked her. Spencer was amazed at how intuitive he was.

"N-n-no. Why would you think that?" She questioned.

"Ashley admits her love to you, you never want to kiss me or let me get close to you…" Aiden commented. "Maybe you have feelings for Ashley that you're not admitting to."

"That's crazy! I don't want A-A-Ashley." Spencer said, it felt awful lying.

"It's ok if you do. Tell me. I don't want you to do something you don't want to do." Aiden told her. Spencer realized how close she was to telling Aiden the truth, to coming clean. She couldn't…she didn't want to.

"No. I want you. Let's go to Griffith Park."


	6. Caught In The Act

They'd been at Griffith Park for half an hour, enough time for Aiden to get her in the backseat and get all over her.

"Mmmm…" He mumbled, kissing her. "I want to touch you all over…" He ran his hand underneath Spencer's skirt. Spencer was in the throws of pretending to be with Ashley, imagining Ash's hands running underneath her skirt, not Aiden's.

"Oh…" she moaned as Aiden pushed his hips against her, moving his kissing down her neck. "Oh…Ashley…" She bit her lip as Aiden was moving lower. Suddenly it all stopped. She opened her eyes and Aiden was sitting up, pushing her away from him.

"What's wrong? She asked him.

"You just called me Ashley." He said darkly.

"It was an accident. I want you come here." She tired to pull him to her. He refused.

"Why did you just call me Ashley? Were you thinking about her? Picturing HER as I was kissing you?" He demanded. Spencer couldn't find any words to defend herself. "It's true. Everything I said before was true. Why are you even with me, Spencer?"

"I-I-I…" She stuttered, trying to keep from crying. "I can't tell my parents."

"Tell your parents what?"

"That I'm gay." Spencer finally said. It felt slightly relieving to get that off her chest.

"You are?" Aiden asked. "But…we've been dating for…"

"I've been trying to cover up the truth. I was afraid to come out…I'd get kicked out of my house. So I dated you…I was with you and the rumors, the nagging from my mother…it all stopped."

"You've been using me to hide who you were?" Aiden couldn't believe it. "Why couldn't you just tell your parents you like girls?"

"My mother would never accept me…she'd hate me. She would kick me out." Spencer whispered.

"So you spared your parent's feelings by lying to me…being dishonest for four months?" He said. Spencer could tell her was getting really angry.

"I'm sorry, Aiden. I never meant for it to be like this. I just…I'm a selfish girl." Spencer admitted. Aiden let out a hoarse laugh.

"You're right about that. I feel so… betrayed."

"Please don't think that. I enjoy being with you…just not in the ways you want me to be." Spencer told him. Aiden looked like he'd been kicked in the stomach.

"So all the kissing? Everything…you've hated that?" He wanted to know. Spencer nodded. "Is keeping this from your parents really this important?"

"Yes…my whole life, everything as I know it…will change." Spencer murmured.

"It has to, Spence. That's life." Aiden told her. Spencer smiled at him.

"I'm really sorry, Aiden." She told him. Her bottom lip began to tremble as she realized how badly she'd hurt him.

"I'll get over things…but will you?"

"What do I have to get over?" Spencer scoffed.

"Your fear of being yourself…being open to your parents." Aiden commented. "Ashley." Spencer turned and looked at him; Aiden had a way of surprising her.

"What does that mean?" She demanded.

"You obviously have feelings for her. You almost kissed that night…you would have if I hadn't walked in. You mean to tell me you have nothing to say after Ashley professed her love to you this afternoon? That means nothing to you?" Aiden asked her.

"No…that meant everything to me. But it doesn't matter what I feel for Ashley. It's never going to happen because…for one, she's furious at me. For two, I can't be out. Not yet." Spencer said, looking down at her skirt.

"Why did you guys really get into a fight?" Aiden asked.

"She…she told me she wanted me. She wanted all of me, everything. She wanted to be with me, take care of me…she wanted some hope so she wouldn't be wasting her time waiting for me." Spencer explained. "I told her I would rather pretend to be with you than be with her." Spencer felt so guilty just saying that.

"Oh…" Aiden responded. "Do you want to be with her?" Spencer turned to him.

"More than anything."


	7. Aiden Brings News

Ashley hadn't stopped crying all afternoon. It'd been exactly seven hours since school got out and she'd spent all seven of them being miserable. No music would even help this situation. Ashley had tried sitting down to work on writing a new song, even beating up her drum set didn't help. Ashley felt like she was dead already. Things couldn't have gone any worse. Spencer knew now. Spencer knew everything. She knew how much Ashley loved her, how upset Ashley was…how messed up everything was. Ashley couldn't remember the last time she was that vulnerable. Except for now, she'd only been this upset when she lost her baby over a year and a half ago. Ashley didn't want to think about that, or think about Spencer. She was done thinking about her. Ashley stood up from her bed, her legs felt stiff and a little unstable. She went to her closet found an empty box. She was done with Spencer, even if she wanted to go back to being "just friends" with her after this, Ashley highly doubted she could. Things could never go back to the way things were. She was going to get rid of everything that reminded her of Spencer, she was going to make a clean break and restart things. She pulled out some CDs that Spencer had made her, mixed tapes that all happened to have intimate, "I want you" type of songs on them. Ashley was sad to see those CDs go, they'd been a favorite of hers to play as she and Spencer laid on her bed, talking about everything. But that was all over with and so were the CDs. She threw them into the box. A stuffed elephant that Spencer had won her at the King High School Homecoming Fair went into the box next. Spencer had won it by knocking down pins with a ball and she had given it to a spastic Ashley who was so proud. Ashley growled and shoved that to the bottom of the box. Next Ashley went into her closet, pulling out all the clothes and shoes that Spencer had let her borrow. After that she pulled all the pictures of Spencer from the doors to her closet and those that had been in her photo box. She uncovered pictures she'd forgotten, pictures of them together being silly, pictures of them on the beach, at parties, on Halloween. Ashley was starting to realize that all this gathering of objects wasn't as therapeutic as she hoped it would be. Seeing all these objects only served to remind her how much she missed being that close to Spencer. They'd been so distant after that night that they'd almost kissed, that night four months ago. Ashley sat down on her floor, putting her head in her hands, wondering how she could have let herself get this bad.

Aiden dropped Spencer off at her house, promising that they would talk about this the next day. He still couldn't believe that Spencer had been lying to him, that Spencer had been so afraid to tell the truth that she'd betrayed him instead. He had trusted her more than that. He loved the girl, for chrissake. He did, he cared about her. Now he just felt like an idiot for not catching on sooner. How could he have just looked past all the signs? How could he have ignored her glances at Ashley? He slammed his hands on the steering wheel. He was so naïve. He suddenly felt sorry for Ashley. She had to know what was going on with Spencer. She had to know how Spencer looked at her. All these months, she'd had to endure watching the two of them together. Spencer should have been with Ashley all this time, Aiden realized. He found himself going down all the streets that would lead him to Ashley.

Ashley was still sitting, crying to herself when her doorbell rang. She wearily traveled down the steps and opened the door. She was surprised to see Aiden there.

"Aiden…what are you doing here?" Ashley asked, admitting him into her house.

"I just got back from my date with Spencer." He said, studying Ashley's face as he mentioned Spencer's name. Ashley's eyes dropped to the floor.

"That's nice. Did you have a good time?" She asked, making conversation. Aiden sat down on the couch in Ashley's living room. She seated herself next to him.

"It wasn't so good, to tell you the truth." Aiden started, still watching Ashley's reactions to his statements. "We broke up."

"You what?" Ashley asked, stunned. "How did that happened?" Aiden scratched his head nonchalantly.

"I think it's because she likes girls actually." Aiden shrugged and looked over at Ashley. "That's the second time that's happened to me." He smiled. Ashley could hardly believe what she'd just heard.

"What are you trying to say?" Ashley leaned in closer to Aiden, showing her excitement.

"Just that…our whole relationship turned out of have been a fake. Spencer didn't want to tell her parents, so she dated me." Aiden looked sad for a moment. "But don't tell me, Ashley Davies, that you didn't know that already."

"I had some idea…" Ashley trailed off, trying to fathom what just happened. "I called Spencer out on it, that's why we were fighting." Ashley felt excited and nauseous all at once. But just because Spencer told Aiden the truth, Ashley realized, doesn't mean she'd going to tell her parents.

"I know. It's been such a weird night. I was on my way to getting to third base in the back of my car with my girlfriend one minute and the next…she's…" Aiden trailed off, unsure of whether or not tell Ashley what Spencer had accidentally let slip.

"She's what?" Ashley asked, in suspense.

"She's moaning your name." Ashley couldn't speak. She never imagined that Aiden was going to tell her that. She sat there dumbstruck for a moment.

"I thought…I thought she…I didn't think she felt that way about me." Ashley stuttered. She didn't want to break down in front of Aiden, but for some reason, the moment she started to cry she stopped caring that he was the one witnessing it.

"Oh Ash…" Aiden comforted her as she began to sob loudly. "What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy to hear that." Ashley couldn't stop crying.

"I am…it's just…" She took several deep breaths to calm herself. "I've liked Spencer for so long. So many long nights of wanting her there with me, missing her when she's away, pining for her. All of it was unreturned; I thought Spencer was a lost cause. She seemed so uninterested. Even when I caught her in the lie, she wouldn't admit to me that she had any feelings for me." Ashley looked over to see Aiden's response.

"So you haven't given up on her?" Aiden asked, handing Ashley a tissue from the coffee table. "After all that time, even through me and her dating, you still thought it would work out eventually?"

"Yes. But after Spencer and I argued over her lying, her hiding the truth…I told her it was over, I wasn't going to wait for her anymore. I had the closure I needed." Ashley mumbled, blowing her nose. "All that time…she'd liked me back."

"I guess it's good that I told you before you got over her." Aiden mentioned. Ashley nodded.

"I guess so. I had all her stuff boxed up in my room. I was going to give it back tomorrow." Ashley murmured. "I'm so sorry for you Aiden. That must have totally sucked to find that out." Ashley told him. Aiden shrugged.

"Yeah…it did suck. But you know, I really care about her and I want her to be happy. So if that means not being with me, then I'll be ok with that in time." Ashley could tell how hard Aiden was trying to not show his sadness at losing Spencer. She hugged him tightly.

"Oh Aiden. You know I'm always here if you ever need to talk about it." Ashley smiled, pulling back. Aiden nodded and smiled. He got up from the couch.

"I'm going to head out. I hear my TIVO and some double-chocolate fudge ice cream in my freezer calling my name." He hugged Ashley and kissed her forehead before opening the door. "Do whatever you need to with this information, ok? Don't avoid going out with her for my sake. I know that you two are destined to be together." He waved and then shut the door behind him.


	8. Making Decisions

Spencer wished that she didn't have to explain why she was home so early from her date, but her mother had cornered her in the kitchen.

"Did something happen between you two tonight?" Paula asked. Spencer sighed, wishing she could just push past her nosy mother and get to her room. There she'd be safe.

"No, nothing happened. Aiden just didn't feel well. So he took me home." Spencer murmured, not maintaining eye contact with her mother.

"I don't believe you." Her mother said accusingly. Spencer was going to lose it in a second if she didn't get out of there.

"Fine, mom. The truth?" Spencer buckled. She had been ready to tell her mother she liked Ashley and to go to hell if she didn't like it, but suddenly her courage left her. "That is the truth."

"Fine." Paula said, looking over her daughter. Spencer finally sighed and got to leave to go to her room. Once she got into her room, she collapsed down on her bed. The night had been a disaster. Aiden was hurt that Spencer had used him. Spencer deserved all the guilt she felt. She turned over on her bed and closed her eyes. She just felt sick: sick of herself, sick of lying, sick of hiding, sick of being without Ashley.

Ashley spent most of the night listening to the mixes Spencer had made her (she decided on keeping them) and pondering how to go about the situation she now found herself in. Spencer liked her back, for sure this time. The thought of Spencer moaning out Ashley's name while being with Aiden sent Ashley shivers down her spine. She couldn't sleep; she just listened to the songs and thought about what to do. Her first thought was to go up to Spencer, take her into the arms, cover her with passionate kisses, and spend the rest of the day in bed. Her next thought involved getting Spencer alone in a bathroom stall…Ashley snapped out of her reverie and took a deep breath. She had to stop thinking those thoughts for now—they were driving her crazy. She got up and lay down in her bed. She had exactly two hours before school started. She could take a brief nap and make it to class in time. Ashley played the image she created of Spencer moaning her name in her head a couple more times before slipping into sleep.

Spencer leaned up against Ashley's locker, looking around for her the next day at school. She hadn't seen Ashley first period or before school. Where was she? The day Spencer actually went looking for her, with the intention of explaining her situation to Ashley and how much she cared about her-- Ashley was not there. Spencer saw Clay down a ways in the hallway walking towards her.

"Hey Clay." She said. "Have you seen Ashley?"

"No, not today. I did talk to her for a while a week or two ago." Clay told her.

"Really?" Spencer asked. "Hmm…Ashley didn't mention that to me. What did you guys talk about?" Clay shrugged.

"If she didn't come up and talk to you about it, then I shouldn't be the one to tell you. You need to talk to Ashley about that." Clay patted Spencer on the shoulder. "I got to go, I'm supposed to meet Chelsea for lunch." Spencer was puzzled. Why would Ashley confide in Clay and not her? That didn't make any sense. But Ashley wasn't here to ask. Ashley's at home, getting over me, Spencer lamented. If only I could have five minutes, I could tell her that I'm sick of this distance and separation. Spencer realized that she had to make a decision then: stay at school and risk Ashley spending the day getting over her…or skip and finally tell the truth.

"Madison, I got some plans for us tonight. It's going to be amazing…" Glen was whispering into Madison's ear. Spencer approached him from down the hallway.

"Glen, I need to borrow the car." Spencer said out of breath. Glen laughed at her.

"There's no way I'm letting you have the car, Spencer. Mom and Dad would kill me." He told her. Spencer was running out of options.

"Please, Glen. I need it." Spencer pleaded.

"Why?" He asked, putting his arm around Madison who was giving Spencer a dirty look. Spencer was getting more and more desperate.

"I have to go somewhere. Just trust me." She held out her hand. "You can get a ride home with Madison and Clay can get a ride from Sean." Glen looked as though he was thinking it over when Madison piped up.

"Don't do it, Glen. She's probably going to see her girlfriend." Madison scoffed.

"Ashley is not my girlfriend." Spencer retorted. "But I do have to go see her."

"So she can become your girlfriend…" Madison laughed. Spencer tried to ignore Madison's cutting remarks.

"Please, Glen. Just this once." Spencer pleaded.

"Are you really going to get Ashley?" Glen asked. Spencer knew the thought of two girls together had captured his attention.

"Yes. That's exactly the reason. I've been dating Aiden because I'm gay and I didn't want to be out yet. Now I have to go find Ashley to tell her the truth about everything. There you go." Spencer said angrily. Madison and Glen were left speechless.

"What?" Glen pulled Spencer to him. "Are you serious?"

"Yes I am serious." Spencer was nearly crying now and she didn't care who saw her. She had to get to Ashley and make up for all the mistakes she'd made. She had to go see her and go tell her how much she mattered to her.

"Oh wow." Glen was clearly taken aback. Madison just gave Spencer a disgusted look.

"I knew she was gay." Madison said aloud for everyone to hear. Spencer put her hands in Glen's.

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but I've screwed up a lot. I have to go make things better." She whispered to Glen. He nodded and handed her the car keys. He watched Spencer run off the parking lot.

"What a dyke." Madison commented. Glen turned to her.

"That's my sister. Don't call her that." He said, putting a commanding hand on Madison's wrist. "It took guts to say what she said. If you want me, you're going to have to shut up about her." He turned and walked away, leaving Madison speechless.


	9. Not Scared Anymore

Mr. and Mrs. Carlin were sharing one of the few things the two of them still enjoyed with each other: lunch. They'd made it a routine for Mr. Carlin to come on Wednesdays and bring some sort of takeout. The two would sit and made idle chit chat, talking about work and interesting things that had happened to them. It was one of the few sane times the two had together. Today, Mr. Carlin had tried going to a new Indian food restaurant. Paula and him sat, eating the food.

"I think it's some kind of spice, but it has this smoky taste…" Paula was explaining as Art ate some of his dish.

"Is that chicken?" He asked, using his fork to push over something on her plate.

"I think so…" Paula murmured, she could see Spencer rush into the hospital and look around for her mother. Paula stood up and went to Spencer, worried and scared.

"Spencer! Is everything ok? Why are you here? Why aren't you at school? Is anyone hurt?" Paula demanded, hugging Spencer to her chest. Spencer was livid about something.

"I have to talk to you, you and dad. It's urgent." Paula led Spencer into the lounge where Mr. Carlin had become exceedingly worried.

"Spencer! Is everything ok?" He asked, Spencer ran up and hugged him.

"I need to talk to you guys." She told them. They all sat down at the table together. "No one is hurt, Glen and Clay are fine." She told them. "I'm sorry I skipped school, but it was important."

"What's this about, Spencer?" Paula asked.

"It's about Ashley." Spencer asked, causing Paula sighed.

"Ashley. You skipped school and got us all worried for her?" She said, obviously irritated that this was what all the commotion was about.

"Mom…" Spencer knew it was now or never. "I love her…I'm gay." Mr. Carlin let a small smile crawl out on his face, but Paula looked as though she was going to hyperventilate.

"Spencer..." Paula stood up, pacing quickly, trying to process this information. "You are only a kid; you don't know what you want…" She started crying. The last thing Spencer wanted was to make her mother this unhappy, but Spencer had been that unhappy for a while now.

"I know you're upset, mom. My whole relationship with Aiden was a lie. I pretended to like him and I dated him because I was afraid of what you'd think. I'm the same daughter you've always had, mom." Spencer pleaded. "I love you. I'm still the same person, there is just this difference between what you wanted for me and what I want for myself." Mr. Carlin stood up and hugged Spencer tightly.

"You know I love you no matter what." He whispered to her. "I want you to be happy; you can't change who you are." He pushed some loose strands of hair behind Spencer's ear. "If Ashley is what makes you happy, then go for it." Paula pushed Mr. Carlin aside.

"Arthur, don't tell her that. I can't accept this, I can't accept you." Paula shouted at Spencer. The words stung Spencer like nothing she'd ever experienced before. She sank down into a seat and started sobbing into her hands.  
"Paula, she is still the same Spencer. Her sexuality doesn't change anything." Mr. Carlin said firmly.

"Mom, what are you so afraid of? Why are you so scared?" Spencer demanded. Paula was trying to calm down her crying. Her sadness was now turning to anger.

"It's against God's will." She told Spencer.

"He made me like this, mom. I didn't have any choice over who I was going to fall in love with. Ashley gets me, she understands me, and she lets me be myself—which is more than I can say for you." Spencer explained. "I dated Aiden for four months. I put up with kissing him when I didn't feel any chemistry, letting him get all over me…all because I was afraid to be myself because of you." Paula turned to look at Spencer, obviously shocked. "I'm not afraid to be myself anymore." Spencer stood up. "I'm going over to Ashley's now. I'll be home for dinner." Spencer kissed her father's cheek and forced her mother into a tight hug. "I love you, mom. So much. I just want you to be ok with who I am." With that, Spencer walked out.


	10. Happy Endings?

Ashley had been awake an hour. She'd missed most of her classes and half of lunch. Sure enough, she'd slept through all the alarms she'd set. Now, she was sitting in her pajamas watching cartoons. She had an open box of cereal sitting on her lap and she was devouring it. She laughed at something funny on the cartoon as the doorbell rang. Ashley wiped off her hands on pajama pants and stood up, leaving the cereal box on the coffee table. She muted the TV as the doorbell rang again.

"Alright, alright. I'm coming." She moaned, walking over to the door. She opened it slowly. Spencer stood out on the stoop looking like she'd just won the lottery.

"Spence, what are you doing here? It's twelve thirty…the school day isn't over." Ashley said, she wasn't exactly expecting Spencer to just show up at her door.

"I had to get out, I had to see you." She smiled, entering Ashley's house.

"Oooook." Ashley muttered, shutting the door behind Spencer.

"Can we go up to your room? I have something I need to talk to you about." Spencer asked her, Ashley nodded, stunned. They went up to Ashley's room. They both sat on the bed and Spencer took a deep breath and started talking.

"Ash…you were right about everything." Spencer started.

"I like the sound of that, continue." Ashley said, jokingly.

"Well…as I said, you were right about everything. I was using Aiden because I was afraid to be myself and afraid to tell my parents, I was so consumed by doing what everybody else wanted of me, that I forgot how to make myself happy." Spencer told her. "I'm a liar. I'm a fraud. I'm a lesbian afraid of girls. I'm the epitome of a dishonest, terrible person." Spencer said, keeping eye contact with Ashley. "All this time, every time I've kissed Aiden…I've been picturing you. The other night, I was going through my usual routine of pretending Aiden was you…and I accidentally moaned your name in the midst of our backseat session." Ashley was shocked; she didn't think Spence would admit that that "particular" event had transpired. "I admitted everything to him."

"What's everything?" Ashley managed to ask. Her mouth had suddenly gone dry as she realized the gravity of what Spencer was telling her.

"How I've been living a lie, being dishonest with all the people I care about, killing my friendships, betraying Aiden…" She said. "Is that a good enough start?"

"So you told Aiden. Then what?" Ashley asked.

"Well, we broke up. I went home and moped around about it. I just felt so—polluted, keeping something of that magnitude from everyone else is very strenuous and hard to keep up." Spencer admitted. "So this morning, I came to school with the intention of being honest, finally. I waited for you outside your locker and through the first couple of periods."

"I overslept." Ashley said simply.

"I got so worried about you, after the hallway incident yesterday, that I was scared you'd do something irrational…that you were here…getting over me. So I begged Glen for his car keys. I told him why I needed them and even admitted that I was gay. I did it in front of him and Madison and whoever else was listening. When he finally handed them over, I just left, got out of there." Spencer told Ashley.

"What was the reason you wanted to get out of there so quickly?" Ashley asked.

"I wanted to check on you, and tell you the truth about everything." Spencer told her. "But I had a stop to make on the way."

"What stop?"

"I stopped off at the hospital. My mom and dad make it a habit to eat lunch together every Wednesday. So I went to go see them." Spencer explained.

"Why?"

"Well. I walked in there and told them I needed to talk. They asked why and I told them…it was about you. My mom didn't want to talk of course but I told her that…that…I loved you." Spencer turned her head to look at Ashley's. "I told them I loved you and that I was gay. I said my mom better get over it because this is who I am." Spencer's eyes dropped to look at her shoes. "I asked my mom what scared her so much about me being gay…I've been wanting to ask her that question for a while now. She told me that it was against God's will. We argued over that and then I told her how I'd been lying to myself and everyone…and dating Aiden because I was afraid to let her know who I was. Then I told her how I wasn't afraid anymore." Spencer stopped and gave Ashley a shy smile. "So then I came here…to do this." Spencer scooted closer to Ashley, placing a hand on Ash's cheek. She leaned in close. "It's ok." She whispered. She kissed Ashley softly, but firmly on the lips. She pulled away, tugging a little bit on Ashley's lower lip. Ashley mumbled incoherently for a moment, before opening her eyes; she found it hard to remember how to breathe.

"Spencer…all this time…" She murmured.

"All this time…I've been trying to avoid this. But now…it's the only thing I want." Spencer murmured, leaning in. She caught Ashley's lips, enjoying how soft and supple they were. Ashley felt herself melting into this moment, this long awaited moment that had consumed her for months. She held Spencer tightly, feeling as though she could destroy Spencer with her kisses. She wanted to experience everything in one moment; she couldn't get enough in just one kiss. Spencer never knew that kissing anyone could feel this way. She felt as though she'd taken forever to get here…and was never happier to get anywhere in her whole life. They kissed deeply, fully, holding onto each other with tight embraces, as if worried the other would suddenly go. Spencer was the first to break the kiss.

"Ashley…I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through." She moaned as Ashley began ravishing her neck. "I-I-I don't want you to give up on me." Ashley smiled as she kissed Spencer's neck.

"I won't, I won't, I promise." She murmured between kisses. "I love you, Spencer. I love you so much." She whispered, resting her forehead against Spencer's.

"I love you, too." She said, finally feeling like everything was as it should be. She leaned in again, kissing Ashley passionately, feeling the kiss everywhere. "It took us forever to get here." She whispered. Ashley smiled and nodded.

"But everything was worth it in the end."


End file.
